Link's Rants
by Lady-Valiant
Summary: Oh no! Zelda has been captured by Ganondorf! After breaking the fourth wall, Link goes to save her while ranting about his various nuisances as part of the LoZ franchise.
1. Concerning Zelda

**Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ as Link will tell you in a few moments.**

It was a lovely day in Hyrule, and Link (also known as the Hero of Hyrule, Hero of Time, Sworn Brother of the Gorons, Hero of the Essences of Time and Nature, Hero of Winds, Hero of Men, Hero Chosen by the Gods, Hero Chosen by the Ocean King, and probably a lot more titles no one remembered) sat musing over his newfound ability to break the fourth wall. Suddenly, there was the sound of hooves, and Link raised his head to see one of Zelda's knights. "Hero, it's urgent! The Princess Zelda has been abducted by the evil Ganondorf!"

Link sighed. "Again?"

"You must rescue her!"

Link yawned. "Whatever."

The knight's eyes widened. "This is an urgent matter! The princess has been captured by Ganondorf!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, you know…I've rescued her a bazillion times, and guess what? She's never being tortured by Ganon; she's never injured. She's never dead; she's never in any real danger. I mean, all the time it takes me to travel all over Hyrule, and nothing ever happens to her! And why does Ganon always kidnap her? Why doesn't he just kill her? Then, Hyrule will collapse because there won't be a leader."

The knight looked astonished beyond words. "B-but…"

"And you know what? She can _teleport_. Why doesn't she just teleport away? Why doesn't she just shoot a bunch of light at him? She can even fight! Why doesn't she fight him? How does this always happen?"

"Ganondorf is very powerful—"

Link ignored him and continued his rant. "And you know what? I rescue her tons of times, and guess what I get? I've been kissed, like, twice. Twenty plus long years of saving her over and over, and that's all I get! What's the moral of this? Be a great hero, save your country, help the princess, and you _still _won't get laid?"

"Um…"

"I mean, does she like me or what? And everyone treats her like some super special goddess…or something, and there are no other love interests! I am the only possible love interest besides Ganondorf, and we never _do _anything! I save her, go through hordes of monsters to save her, and all I get is 'thank you'? If I wanted someone to thank me, I'd go herd goats or something!"

"Sir, you've only rescued the princess once," the knight slowly said.

"Oh, that's right. You can't break the fourth wall, and why is she always a princess? I mean, her parents are almost either never seen or killed, and yet, she's always a princess! She never becomes a queen! I never help her after she becomes queen, either. And why do I have to help the princess anyway? Do you know what a normal person would do if he or she was told the country's princess was kidnapped by a psychopathic Lord of Darkness? They'd say 'Oh, that's too bad! I hope she returns safely!' No one jumps up and thinks, 'I must save her!'"

"But…but you're the hero."

"So?"

"It's your job to save her!"

"Yeah, and she's the princess; it's her job to employ better security! I mean, doesn't Hyrule have an army? Where are they? I mean, come on!"

"Um…hero, shouldn't we go save…?"

"Why don't you go save her? She's got the Triforce of Wisdom, so you'd think she'd have figured out how to avoid being captured by now!"

"But if you don't, the evil Ganondorf will take over, and there will be darkness all over!"

"I'm the _hero_. I can't die! It doesn't matter to me!"

"But…"

"And guess what's most annoying? Everyone calls it 'The Legend of Zelda'—not the 'Legend of Link'. This idiot was playing the game and called me Zelda! I'm not even a girl, and my name isn't Zelda! I mean, do I _look _like a Zelda to you?"

"Um, no, but…"

"Exactly! But whatever…I guess I'd better go save her _even though I know _she's going to be fine."

"Um…very good. You'll need to retrieve the Master Sword, which is behind the temple locked by the Seven Sacred Stones—"

"What? But I already got the Master Sword!"

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did!"

"Well, perhaps, a previous reincarnation of yours stuck it in the temple."

"But why? I mean, if only the hero can use the sword, what is the point of hiding it in the most bizarre, difficult place in all of Hyrule?"

"Still, it's not safe. Here: take this wooden sword!"

"A wooden sword? How am I going to destroy evil with a _wooden sword_? I'm seventeen; I can use a sword!"

"A great journey lies ahead…"

"Right. Of course it does. Fine. I'll go save her first thing in the morning."

There was a loud rumbling as Hyrule Castle exploded. Link swore. "Fine, fine. I'm going."


	2. Concerning Alcohol

**Disclaimer: Link says I don't own LoZ, so I'm going to assume he's right.**

Link, Hero of Many Titles, growled angrily as he stomped into Telma's bar. "Hey, Link! How're you, sugar?" asked the rather impressively endowed bar owner.

"Awful," Link said, trying hard not to stare at her. How did she not fall over from the weight of her…?

"Oh, dear. Can I help you?"

"Yes, I'd like some beer."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Link. I can't give you any of that. Why don't you have some milk?"

"Milk! What? Do you realize what I've been through?"

Telma looked at him blankly. "I've rescued Zelda more times than I can count, slaughtered monsters, killed Ganon, and basically kicked butt every day of my life. I should be a broken shell of a man suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but I'm not. You're telling me I'm old enough to _do all that_, but I'm _not _old enough to have a _drink_?"

"I'm sorry, Link, but do you have an i.d.?"

"What? No, I don't! I don't _need _an i.d.!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but the _Twilight Princess _trading cards say you're only a teenager, sugar, and that means you can't have alcohol, but you can have some tasty milk!"

"Telma, I don't _want _milk! I want _beer_!"

"I'm sorry, Link."

"Come on, I hang out in a _bar_. People know that _alcohol _is served in bars!"

"But it would be bad for minors if their hero was drinking, Link."

"Come on…just one drink before I have to give up an entire thirty-five hours to rescue Zelda?"

"I'm sorry, Link, but I cannot do it."

"But…but that doesn't make any sense! So it's okay to murder and slaughter things en masse with a huge sword, but it's _not _okay to drink alcohol? Screw this! And you know what else, Telma? They'll put in stuff like _you_, and I can't have a drink!"

"Who are they?" Telma asked.

"Nintendo. Look, Telma, fine. Will you at least help me find a better sword?"

Telma twitched. "Chests hold many objects."

"Well, duh. Now…sword?"

"Chests hold many objects."

"Oh, imagine that. Now come on…where can I find a better sword?"

"Chests hold many objects. You can search any chest you find."

Link sighed. "Of course, because Zelda can't just _give _me a freakin' sword. Because I can't just _have _the freakin' Master Sword. Goddesses, why can't she be wise enough to tell the previous hero, 'Hey, don't throw away your sword after every little thing you do!' And why do I have to buy a shield? I'm a hero; isn't there some sort of coming-of-age hero discount? These people are the most ungrateful lot ever! Goddesses, I need a drink!"

Telma promptly deposited a bottle of milk before him, which Link took and held in his hands (the bottle for some reason, spinning and levitating). For some reason, he stood there for a good seven seconds, gawking at the bottle of milk. Finally, the milk vanished…somewhere on his person, and Link sighed. "Alright; I can take a hint. I'm not getting any beer, so I'm going to go break into peoples' houses, steal their stuff, destroy their pottery, and then go slay thousands of monsters while vandalizing and looting sacred temples in various parts of Hyrule."

"Good," Telma said.

Link nodded and then frowned. "Say…uh, Telma, what kind of preservatives do you put in this milk, anyway? I can carry it around for months, and it doesn't spoil."

Telma rolled her eyes. "Link, silly boy, who's ever heard of milk spoilling? Just remember: chests hold many objects!"

Link sighed and decided to leave the bar. Silently, he decided Telma was insane and vowed never to drink the milk from her bar.

**Author's Note: I am sorry I can't answer any reviews, but I'm going on a trip, so I decided to post this before I go. I am very grateful for them all, and I hope this chapter was just as funnier, if not more, as the first.**


	3. Concerning Pottery

Link was frustrated (well, you'd be frustrated, too, if you were an effeminate sword-wielding guy always having to rescue the princess who never even kissed you). He'd been looking in chests for hours (no, not that kind—get your mind out of the gutters), trying to find a sword. It was frustrating because every time he opened a chest, some invisible force made him gawk at whatever he found, mouth agape, for ten seconds. At first, it was merely a nuisance, but then, a fly flew in his mouth, nearly choking him. Afterwards, a group of kids began following him around and calling him 'Link the Loser'.

To keep himself from going insane and killing them all, Link decided to vent his aggression by smashing pottery, which worked until he ran out of pottery. The owners of the Hyrule Pottery Shop then barred the doors and windows after chasing him out with torches and pitchforks and banning him for life from the store. Oh, and he still didn't have a sword. Of course.

The villagers didn't help, either. They kept saying things like 'Oh no! The fair princess has been captured? I hope she returns home safely!' Link already _knew _that, but when he tried to explain to people that he already knew, _and _he'd said the exact same thing, they then repeated themselves. Others kept saying 'There's an old man by the fountain'…which was just stupid. He had to save the princess; he didn't have time to talk to some random old man…

Still, Link stopped the next villager. "Ma'am, excuse me—"

The villager woman halted and turned around quickly. "My grandfather is missing!"

"Oh…um, that's terrible. Look; I'm trying to save the princess. Do you know where I can find…say, a sword?"

"Don't you want to find him?"

"Look; I'd love to stop and help you. I really would, but see, this evil guy kidnapped the princess, so I have to save her. I'd like to help, but I really don't have the time. I still have to go through all these temples and find this magic sword, and it's a _long _story, so if you could just tell me where to find a sword, I'd be very grateful."

"Terrific!"

"Okay…so you know where I can find a sword?"

"It's so great of you to help find him!"

"Yes, well, Ganondorf is pretty easy to find. I'm sure he'll take over Hyrule the moment I leave."

"Please, bring my grandfather safely here!"

"Hey, wait! I…I don't have time for this! Why don't you go find your own grandfather? How am I even supposed to know who he looks like? Am I supposed to go up to every old man in town and say, 'Hey, I think your granddaughter is looking for you!'? I mean, seriously! Go find him yourself if you're so concerned!"

"Well, what're you waiting for? Go find him!"

Link sighed. "Fine, whatever. I'll go find your grandfather; it's not like Zelda's in any real danger, anyway."

Zelda sighed. "I am so _bored_."

The princess-who-should've-been-a-queen sat on the edge of Ganondorf's sofa, her cheek resting in her hand. After a moment, Ganondorf plopped down beside her. "Well, Zelda…we could…play _Smash Brothers Brawl_."

Zelda rolled her eyes. "You're just saying that because you want me to play as Link because you _know _I'm not as good at that game as you are, and you want the satisfaction of beating him into a bloody pulp."

"So do you want to play?"

"Oh, why not? Now do I want the green tunic or the blue one?"

**Author's Note: And that's what Ganondorf and Zelda do. Now on to the reviews…I procrastinated, so there's a lot. Also, if there's anything in the LoZ franchise that irks/annoys/bothers/makes no sense and you want a chapter about it, feel free to review and tell me about it. I will say, though, that the next chapter involves cliché dialogue and the sheer amount of items that Link carries. Link also does something…very stupid.**

_Animelover112: _lol i never ever would link say anything like that if zelda was captured [_Well, I'd hope he wouldn't, but thanks for reading my fics and reviewing.]_

_GoldenRoya: _*snickers* Love this one! Link: No! I'm not going to rescue that darned princess AGAIN! Let some other sucker do it! I just want to have a NORMAL relationship with a NORMAL girl! Argh! _[Yeah, try explaining that to your wife. 'I'm sorry, but I have to go save the really hot and gorgeous princess of Hyrule!' Oh, and thanks for reading.]_

_Addicted-To-Tic-Tacs: _LMAOOO!

omg that was so hilarious! _[Thanks!]_

'why don't I ever get laid!' [_Well, it's true!]_

awww poor Link... [_Yep. Poor, poor Link.]_

I love this! [_Many thanks.]_

_Twilight Archangel: _Hahahaha this was hilarious! _[Many thanks.]_

_Foxpilot: _This is why Link is never aware of his previous incarnations: Nintendo can't afford to put so much funny rambling into a game. _[Yeah, especially since Link never talks.]_

Everything is true here, you know. He's been shot, sliced, exploded, bitten, and more all to save a random princess who is sometimes able to save herself by using Light Arrows or teleporting. _[I have a theory that Link did something to Zelda in a past life, and this is her way of getting back at him. She guilt trips him over and over, forcing him to go through tons of things to save her.] _But that's no fun for the player, now is it? _[Probably not.] _If Link cones to grips with that, then he'll have a much easier time. He can break the fourth wall now, after all. Perhaps that'll be a power in a later game? _[For some reason, I have the image of Link standing dramatically and yelling 'Fourth Wall Powers activate!']_

_Catphantom01: _"Chests hold many objects."

Now guess what I first thought of when I read that. _[…how did I miss that? I honestly didn't notice until you pointed it out. Although…I did change the ending to the last chapter a bit because it sounded…squicky, but…how did I miss that?]_

_GoldenRoya:_ Awe. Some. Seriously awesome. One hopes that videogame characters never will become sentient, because that would drive the poor suckers to distraction. *snickers loudly* _[Thanks for reading another chapter and reviewing. But yes, let's all hope Link doesn't become sentient. Although, I imagine him ranting at Ganondorf and distracting him.]_

_Foxpilot: _Well, Link's gone crazy. Again. Of course, when one person continually tells you that "Chests hold many items," I suppose it's hard to take them seriously. _[Well, you know; I'd probably go insane, too.]_

Honestly, I'd say the first chapter was better. This was still good, don't get me wrong. But I guess I found the jokes and points in the first chapter funnier. After all, the point about slaughtering and PTSD is rather grim, isn't it? I laughed anyway. _[Thank you! To be quite honest, I like chapter one better, too. I actually felt a little…odd writing chapter two. It didn't turn out quite like I envisioned. But again, thanks. I'm glad it was still funny.]_

_Midna Hytwilian:_ (Cough)VaatixZelda(Cough) [_So…that explains so much.]_

_Midna Hytwilian: _:P Silly Link. It's Chaetu Romani. _[So…the Terminians are slowly taking over Hyrule by giving them magical and drugged milk?]_

_bleachUlquiGrimm: _OMG this is amazing! I am laughing so hard. I applaud you! _[Thank you kindly.]_


	4. Concerning Insomnia

**Disclaimer: Only a totally pathetic sob would write LoZ parodies, and the people that own LoZ aren't totally pathetic sobs, so…draw your own conclusions.**

Link trudged wearily through Hyrule Castletown, but it seemed the Goddesses were smiling upon him because it turned out that there was only one old man in all of Hyrule Castletown, and guess where he was?

That's right; he was by the fountain.

"Hey, old man!" Link called, irritated from having to trek all over to find the old man.

"Oh, my granddaughter needs me?"

Link frowned. "I never said…"

"Oh, thank you for coming to find me! You have a certain look about you; I like that!"

"It's the hat, isn't it?" asked Link. "See, I have no idea how this thing stays on; I think there's a magnet in it that keeps it attached to my chain mail somehow, but I'm not sure."

"I know; you have the look of a hero! I'm never mistaken about this! You're going to save the princess, aren't you?"

"Uh…sure."

"The road will be hard and dangerous, plagued with many monsters. It's not safe for any lone man!"

"I know; tell me about it."

"Oh, I know! You can have this sword!"

The old man pulled a sword seemingly out of thin air, and Link wondered just how many old men carried around swords, and just where they came from. Regardless, he gawked at the sword before sheathing it. "Thanks. Finally…but I'm still a lone man. It's still dangerous. I just have a second-rate sword now to help."

The old man seemed to ignore him as he ran around the hero and vanished. "Fantastic," Link muttered.

It was night, and Link considered sleeping, but he'd given up on sleeping a long time ago. Luckily, the magic milk apparently had the powers to keep him awake forever. Now many may ask why the hero never slept, and in his mind, he had a _very _good reason. He'd used to sleep just like anyone else, back in the lifetime when he lived in the Kokiri Forest, but then, he'd woken up to…_that thing_.

Link winced, unable to keep the memory that so haunted his dreams from plaguing him even as he walked. It kept yipping those accursed words, over and over… _Hey, hey, listen! Hey, hey, listen! Hey, hey, listen! Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen—_

"Shut-up!" Link screamed.

Many villagers were suddenly hurrying into their houses at the sight of the homicidal-looking elf…er, Hylian, in the weird clothing. Link noticed and swore under his breath before continuing his journey.

**Meanwhile, many miles away…**

"Nooooo! Liiiinnnnnkkkk!" Zelda screamed. "Get your lazy butt up, and kill him, you son of a hookshot!"

Ganondorf laughed maniacally, eagerly brandishing his Wii remote before him. "Die, die, Link! DIE!"

"Get up you Goddess-forsaken fairy!" the princess snapped.

Ganondorf paused and listened in astonishment as Zelda very colorfully cussed out the chosen hero of Hyrule. It was a game, but still…somehow that made it even more frightening. Zelda seemed to have forgotten that _she _was the one keeping Link just standing there. Finally, the princess seemed to remember it was a game and threw a bomb at Ganon. Ganondorf then took great satisfaction of knocking Link off a bridge. "Yes, I win!"

Zelda swore. "Rematch!" she declared.

"Fine," said Ganondorf.

"Ha!" the princess declared. "Let's see how you fare against Dark Link!"

"Dark Link? Can't you use the red tunic? I like that one…"

"What? But I hate the color red!"

"Do it, or I'll tell Link we're having an affair just like Peach and Bowser."

"What? He'll kill you!"

"Sure, but you'll have to listen while he goes on this sad rant about how you hurt him. I bet he'll even cry."

Zelda growled as she chose the red tunic. "Watch out, Ganondorf. You're going _down_!"

**Author's Note: I decided to move the chapters around a bit, so this isn't quite the item chapter. But now we know why Link never sleeps.**

_Kingdom-of-TJ: _Smash Brothers Brawl killed my wii. NOW I CAN'T PLAY TWILIGHT PRINCESS! _(Wow…that sucks…)_

hey, you wrote that I Loved Him First poem! (_Yep. That was me!) _ i reviewed that, like, 10 minutes ago... (_Well, it's not anymore, but…yeah, I did read your review. Thanks for reading!) _*it's a small world after all, it's a small world after alllll* _(Actually, it's because I have this tendency of uploading all my stories at once…)_

_Snowyflakes: _When Telma kept talking about chests, I wondered why Link didn't just look down her shirt. That chest has GOT to be big enough to hold a sword. _(As perverted as it sounds, I totally agree with you)._

By the way, Zelda totally should go for the red tunic. xD _(Hm…well, okay, why not?)_

_Foxpilot: _So now Link has to find this random NPC's grandpa? That is very Zelda. Of course, he'll get something useful from it, like a sword. (_It seems this is actually just a Nintendo thing in general, actually. I mean, think about all the crazy things you have to do in the Pokemon games…)_

"Link the Loser?" _(Haha. My friend and I were actually just coming up with weird insult names for characters; I don't even remember why. I came up with that one. We also considered 'Link the Lunatic', though) _That's Mr. Loser to you brats! I'll teach you, with your new-age music and your trains... (_haha.) _Anyway, it's about time people stopped letting Link into their shops. He breaks everything, so why do they let him in? Fools. _(Maybe everyone in Hyrule suffers from some sort of memory loss that prevents them from remembering Link? Maybe that's why whenever Ganondorf returns each time, he doesn't just waltz into Hyrule and kill off every kid named Link before trying to take over.)_

You're thanking us? Well, certainly! And thank you for the kind mentions. _(As always, you're quite welcome.)_

_THE-complete-zelda-fan: _he never sleeps. _(And now you know why.)_

_AutismDegree: _Yes, apparently, you're not allowed to have a quality, good-ass beer for being the motherf***ing Hero, but they'll give a 10-year-old boy wearing a cow mask Chateau Romani, the "Magic" Milk. Yeah. That makes SO much sense _(Um…Zelda physics? Yeah, it makes about us much sense as things spontaneously combusting when you hit them with a sword)_

P.S.: Points to you if you get the reference _(Well, no points for me because I don't get the reference…I mean, I know you're referring to MM, but if there's something else, I totally miss it.)_

_Marilynn Lake: _Niiice. :) haha, Telma's funny. _(She contracted the NPC virus; it makes her repeat seemingly random and useless information over and over) _Keep it up! :) (_Many thanks!)_


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